|
DONNY: Well everybody, we have wanted to do a cooking segment for some time and finally got our wish, sort of. You guys might remember Chef Tell from waaaay back: he was that guy with the funny accent who showed up on Regis and Kathie Lee and The John Davidson Show. Unfortunately his low-rated Food Network show has been cancelled, but he can still be seen on channel 65 in Allentown, PA ... MARIE: "Well, we're living here in Allentown ..." DONNY (ignoring her): and also owns Chef Tell’s Manor House in Upper Black Eddy, which is some other town in Pennsylvania that Billy Joel never sang about. Please welcome Chef Tell. MARIE: Thank you so much for being with us. Now, you recently had a very intriguing, high-profile assignment! Tell us about it! TELL: Well, I recently catered the bar mitzvah of Regis Philbin's godson. It was a very loud and boisterous crowd. Not unlike Regis himself! MARIE: So what did you make? TELL: I have been experimenting with fusion cuisine, taking some staples from my native Germany and mixing them with other things. DONNY: A German catering a bar mitzvah. Sketchy. MARIE: Donny! TELL: Well, as you know I have lived in this country for many years and I have consorted with Regis on his show more than with Nazis. But it was a challenge, I can tell you! I started off with a bernaise of mushrooms seasoned with pepper and cinnamon and topped with mango. DONNY: Gross. MARIE: Donny! TELL: The important thing is to play with the food. Always be fun and free and see where your tastebuds take you. That is how I ended up with a Spicy Jerk Duck served with bratwurst and an apricot chutney. It is an unexpected combination of flavors that surprised many of the guests. DONNY: Was Regis mad? TELL: Oh, you know Regis, he is always yelling. MARIE: And what are you making for us here today? TELL: This is an hor d'oeuvre that I made for the reception. It is sauerkraut and raisin rolls with a side of ketchup, and it is very simple. MARIE: Oh, boy, I'm trying to watch my weight. TELL: Yes, but everyone needs to indulge now and then! It just takes a crepe, which you can buy at the store or make yourself in the French tradition, as we like to say. With this dish I tried to capture the animation, the hoopla of French cooking and ground it with a populist homestyle American ingredient such as ketchup. I recommend Hunt's, it is cheaper. Or, for the very best American ketchup, you need to get McDonald's Fancy Ketcup packets. But this is a lot of handiwork, the squeezing. MARIE: That's what I use! TELL (talking over her): Now, you take the sauerkraut, which you can also buy in the store -- though it would not be as good as if Chef Tell made it, of course -- and you fill the bread with it. You can also use hot dog buns for this, or pita bread. And if you want to be extra adventurous, you can spread some applesauce on there, but we are keeping things simple. MARIE: Oh, yes. With as many kids as I have... TELL (still ignoring her): Then you get some raisins, I prefer the dark kind but you can also use golden if you must, and sprinkle them on top. DONNY: Wouldn't it be better if you mixed them in? TELL: Ay, who is the chef here? Finally, you slice the roll and serve with ketchup on the side. And you can follow it up with a nice tawny port. DONNY: Are you sure this was a bar mitzvah? None of this sounds very Jewish to me. TELL: Mr. Osmond, Mr. Mormon who knows nothing of Jewish cuisine, you say you are a "Soldier of Love," but I am finding otherwise. MARIE (to Tell): Just ignore him. He's the reason why we have trouble getting decent guests! Emeril Lagasse has blacklisted us! DONNY: Well, even though your guests have not been saved, they at least deserve decent cooking. TELL: Herr Donny, if there is any saving to be done, it is this sorry-ass show and your ridiculous singing. He flings sauerkraut in Donny's eyes. DONNY: OW! JESUS! MARIE: Well I guess we've learned a lot here! Stay tuned because coming up we're going to tell you about the latest in Marie Osmond Fine Porcelain Collector Dolls and also have visits with John Schneider and Peggy Fleming. Don't go away!
|